High school sucked.  I was focused on all the wrong things.  I needed approval and wanted to fit in.  It seems like most guys had a particular group they wanted to or did fit in with.  I wanted to fit in with everyone and therefore didn’t fit in with anyone.

I thought I had good friends.  They were good, but I didn’t know what a friend really was.  They ended up just being guys who wanted to get drunk together.  Maybe none of us knew how to “fit in” so we escaped with the alcohol.  I remember wishing I would get a phone call from anyone besides my usual cast of 16 year-old drunks to go do something.  It never happened.

I had stopped going to church because that wasn’t cool anymore (after middle school years of choir, bell choir, and youth groups).  I dropped out of the German Club because that certainly wasn’t cool.  One of my sisters got the golf coach to agree to put me on the golf team, so I would be cool – but I sucked and never got to play – so that wasn’t cool.  I did my homework every night and that certainly wasn’t cool – and people copied it from me every morning – and while that seemed cool, it wasn’t.

I was lost.  Every peer, commercial, TV show, song on the radio, and magazine was telling me I wasn’t normal unless I was masturbating or having sex – and as much as I tried, it wasn’t happening, so I assumed it was one more thing that made me worse than not cool.  I pretty much made straight A’s when I wanted to but school was boring.  It was so boring that a friend and I would go to 7-11 before class at 7am and buy a six-pack of Mickey’s Beer and slam 3 each before math class (we chose Mickey’s because it supposedly got you the most drunk).  It at least made math a little more fun.

I remember when The Rolling Stones released Waiting on a Friend (you can check out Pearl Jam’s cover of it here on Hype Machine).  I think it was my senior year.  I played it over and over and over.  It shocked me.  It gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe someone else suffered the same thing as me.

Don’t need a whore.  I don’t need no booze….I’m just waiting on a friend.

When college came along, I thought I had finally discovered friendship by being in a fraternity.  I’m still close friends with many of them, but for the most part it was high school times ten.  More and more pressure for sex, alcohol, drugs, and fitting in.

I may not have needed a “virgin priest” like Mick Jagger sang, but I needed a friend.  I just didn’t have a clear definition of what that meant.  Mick tried to help by saying, “I need someone I can cry to, I need someone to protect“, but I didn’t get that either because it wasn’t cool to cry, right?  Plus it was all about me so why would I worry about protecting someone else?

I pretty much spent from 1979 to 2005 without a relationship with God or a local church and had no Christian mentors that I was aware of to guide me or teach me or show me their relationship with Christ.  I pursued money, power, and sex like I thought I was supposed to.  I used to wish I could turn the clock back and get a do-over based on what I know now.  But now I realize that God has some pretty huge plans for me to help Him teach young men today what real friends are.

Some might call it being in “community”.  Some might call it being loved.  Some might call it being part of “the church” (where everyone loves and supports each other, right?).  It could be all of that.  But I think it is easier than that.  I think a real friend is someone I can (and should) confess my most darkest secrets to, someone I can call at 3am who will answer and not be pissed off, someone I care about enough to mean it when I ask how they are doing, someone who means it when they ask me how I’m doing, someone who will hold me accountable to do what I say I’m going to do and what I need to do, someone to call me out when I screw up, someone who trusts me, someone I trust, someone whose needs I put before mine, someone who puts my needs before theirs, and I could probably go on and on.

I think Joe Cocker may say it best in his 1969 cover of the Beatle’s With a Little Help from My Friends when he sings, “I need someone to love“. (you can check it out here on Hype Machine).

Wow.  I bet most people don’t believe you can have many true or real friends like that.  They’re wrong.  You can.  If you don’t already have them, the best and fastest way to get them is to be that kind of friend to others first – while being self-less and not expecting anything in return.  Put their needs before your own.  Before you know it, you’ll have more real friends than you ever imagined.

Funny thing is that all of that is taught all throughout the Bible.  If I’d only realized that at age 16 I might have prevented a lot of the harm and heartache that I caused.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” – James 5:16

I don’t think James was just making a suggestion.  I believe it is truth and that the “healing” he is refering to is the kind that makes life exciting and fulfilling and filled with joy.  It takes a real friend to be able to confess and pray with.

“Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them” – John 13:17

John 13 is the story about how Jesus washes the feet of his disciples.  Afterwords, Jesus says, “I have set an example that you should do as I have done for you.”  His point is to get us to serve each other, putting others’ needs before our own, and that none of us are better than another.

“A new command I give you: Love one another.  As I have loved you, you must love one another.” – John 13:34

Yep, Jesus said it straight up – a new command – not a recommendation – to love one another.  That’s what real friends do.  But I guess by Jesus’ definition the entire world is supposed to be real friends then.  Wow.  What would that look like?  Oh yeah.  Heaven.  One of these days…

I’ve been thinking a lot about “pride” lately.  Christians and pastors talk about it a lot in a negative way and usually with the term, “prideful”.  It’s also said to be the worst of the ’seven deadly sins’ (which isn’t Biblical but came from Pope Gregory I in 590 AD among others who got the ball rolling).  I think it’s another case of Christian semantics and the English language screwing up a good thing.

There are two types of pride.  One type of pride, the bad type, is when you feel superior or like you’re better than others – whether it’s just in your head or acted out.  This is the type of pride that is proud of winning a football game or battle of the bands because you love that the others lost or were inferior – you feel you were better than them.  It could also be the type of pride that shows you think you’re better than someone else because you can quote Scripture or know more about the Bible than someone else.

The other type of pride – the good type – is what many refer to as a “healthy sense of self” – healthy meaning “without comparison to others”.  It’s awesome to be proud of yourself or others – because of what you or they have done – but only as long as it doesn’t involve comparing yourself to others – tearing others down.  This is the type of pride that is proud of winning a football game, winning a battle of the bands, making good grades,  or writing a killer screenplay – because you worked hard and did your best – and that is something to feel good about – or feel great about.  You can feel good about yourself without having to tear others down.

Paul talks about pride in his letter to the Galatians.  In chapter 6 verses 1-5, he says,

“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.  But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.  Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.  If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself.  Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load. (NIV)”

Paul is saying we can take pride in ourselves – but only after we’ve tested our own actions – examined what we accomplished and why – and only without comparing ourselves to others.

This is a great message about teamwork too.  The Galatians were in the middle of a crisis and all sorts of ‘types’ of Christians were forming – the Jewish Christians, the rich Christians, the Romans, etc. – and they were looking down on each other feeling that they were better than the others – better because they saw the others making mistakes or stumbling.  Paul’s letter tells us how we need to help each other when we stumble – “carry each other’s burdens” – just like great teamwork.

It’s also a great message about how churches should work together as the body of Christ instead of tearing each other down – but politics and pride (the bad kind) seem to often times get in the way.  I believe Jesus wants His church to function as a top rated team – all working together and helping each other – in the battle of good vs. evil – and even wants us to be proud of what we accomplish.

It’s also just like Paul to pack way more into a few sentences.  The message is also a great description of humility.  If your buddy sins this morning, it will likely be your turn this afternoon – so be humble about it.  Paul touches on it at least twice – “restore him gently” – meaning not to get in your buddy’s face about it and tear him down, and again with “if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself” – meaning that if you think you are better than others, that is proof in and of itself that you’re not – that you’re deceiving yourself (but most likely not fooling anyone else around you).

U2’s song, Pride (In The Name Of Love) is about people who died taking risks and standing up for something in the name of love.  There are obvious references to MLK, Jr. (April 4) and Christ (betrayed with a kiss) – and not so obvious references according to some of Dietrich Bonhoeffer (one man caught on a barbed wire fence) – which is where his body was said to be found.

But I’ve always wondered why Bono chose the name “Pride” for the song.  The only place it’s used in the song is in the line, “Free at last, they took your life, they could not take your pride”.  To me, it’s at least another example of the good kind of pride – the pride of knowing you’ve done something in the name of love – in the name of serving others or putting others first – a pride that no one can take from you and that you can take with you – a pride that doesn’t involve comparing what you’ve done to what others didn’t do.